Marriage

Marriage today makes me sad.  Not mine, but the institution in general.  Centuries have tainted it until it has reached the 21st with all of it’s superficial traditions and expectations- stripping it of it’s true and glorious purpose.  This is the generation of pleasure.  Any ailment you have, they have a pill for it.  Any problem you have, they have a lawyer for it.  Any marital issue you have, they have divorce papers for it.  It’s quite sickening, actually.

We’ve come to a place where there are free trial runs and no-strings attached.  If it doesn’t work out, it’s returnable, deletable, erasable, and even forgettable.  Obviously, I think there are appropriate and Biblical reasons for a divorce (abuse, neglect, adultery), but this is not a post about that.  This “irreconcilable differences” crap is delusional, frankly.

Marriage is hard.  It’s a known fact.  You are uniting two imperfect people with different backgrounds, and you have to somehow learn how to live harmoniously with each other.  It’s hard!  But we have become relationship wimps!  If it’s hard, I don’t want to try.  If it takes too long, I don’t want to try.  If it drains me, I don’t want to try.  Sometimes I just want to say, “Suck it up!  You signed up for this!”  Not only is it a relationship, but it’s a life-source.  You cannot reverse it.  Signing a piece of paper does not undo years of emotional, physical, and spiritual connection.  (And for those cases where divorce is legitimate, that makes it all the harder.)

I took Marriage Counseling in grad school and had to research the ins and outs of marriage and divorce.  I found some interesting points, which helped to illuminate the issues of the new marital trend.  For centuries, marriage was used as a way to unite families, tribes, or kingdoms.  It was advantageous and convenient.  Many times, the bride and groom did not know each other or love each other before their wedding.  Yet, divorce was scarce.  That didn’t make it perfect, but it kept families together and gave couples more of a chance of being changed by it.  Not until the 20th century did marrying for love become a popular practice.  As people began marrying based on love, “higher expectations of marriage created greater disappointments when marriage failed to deliver the satisfactions promised by popular culture” (The Origins of Modern Divorce by S. Coontz).  The divorce rate steadily inclined with this new outlook on marriage.  We have reached the point today where nearly all marriages begin for love, and yet over 50% of all marriages end in divorce (that statistic does not change based on religious or political affiliation).  This means that the majority of marriages end due to divorce than due to death of a spouse (Coontz).  Perhaps we should stop saying, “Til death do us part” then. 

What’s the common denominator here?  Is it love?  Gosh, I hope not.  I believe- after researching, witnessing, and experiencing marriage and divorce- that the common denominator is a “me” complex.  I get married for me, for my happiness- not you or your happiness.  Change to make me happy, do this to make me happy.  And if I become unhappy, I’ll undo it. 

Let’s clear up a major issue first: Marriage was not designed to make people happy.  It was designed to make people more complete- to give the world a more complete picture of love (for those of you who don’t believe in God) and Love (for those of you who do believe in God).  Not happiness; completion.  (Although happiness, which is a temporary emotion, is a by-product of a marriage that is functioning well.)  When you are focused on happiness, you are focused on “me.”  Of course marriages fail, then.  What would you expect?  It’s not about you!  Marriage was never about you!  And it’s never going to be about you!

So then, what is the purpose of marriage?  What is it supposed to look like?  It’s loving, with a deep kind of love that is not shaken by external or internal circumstance.  It’s powerful; it has the ability to change the lives of the two united as well as people around it.  It’s intimate.  If done well, no one else on earth will know, understand, and see you as closely as your spouse does.  It’s faithful, even when life is hard and love is faint.  It’s selfless and sacrificial every second of everyday, regardless of what you get in return.  It’s forgiving and gracious and courteous.  And it’s redeeming.

When marriage is reduced to a life event, it’s purpose dims, and it’s glory is wasted.  Every marriage is flawed and undergoes the battle that is life, but every marriage has the ability to be incredibly worthwhile.  We just need to get out of our own way, forsake our selfishness, and realize what a glorious and precious gift it truly is.

I do think that love is a perfectly acceptable reason to start a marriage.  And, I believe it should be the driving force behind it.  Let’s not trade love of spouse with love of self, though.  Life is too exciting to waste time and energy on making sure that you’re happy.  It’s so much more fulfilling when you can serve and be served, love and be loved, bless and be blessed, isn’t it?

So, generation of mine, is it possible?  Can we work on being less self-absorbed and more others-focused?  Can we learn to endure the trials and grow and change and become much better versions of ourselves by overcoming difficulty?  I’m not ok with the statistics, and I’m not ok with the current mind-set.  I would honestly love to see our country get to a place of brokenness and humility on this issue (and others).  Maybe then we would search for the truth in all of this and strip away the superficial details to lay bare the raw reason for marriage.  Maybe then we would learn that the purpose of life is not to be happy.  The purpose of life is to be made complete- and marriage just so happens to help with that.

I’m ready for March

For some reason I have always picked that month to look forward to.  In college, I kept counting down the days thinking If I can just make it until March, then my semester is home-free.  I guess it’s a good marker for the season too (at least in SC).  March is when the weather gets warmer, the days get longer, and the air smells sweeter. 

This year, I’m excited for those things, but I’m also anticipating March in a way that I haven’t ever before.  Our original plan was to move to California after Washington.  It turns out that it made more sense for us to return to SC after Washington instead of staying out west for another 3-4 months.  That being said, we are moving back at the end of March!

I have loved this adventure.  It’s really opened my eyes to a lot of my flaws and insecurities as well as helped me figure out important lessons and realize how unbelievably blessed I am.  I would not trade this for the world.  It has been invaluable to me.  However.  I’m ready for March. 

I’m ready because I miss having a set routine (I thrive on schedules).  I miss counseling and seeing growth and healing in my clients.  I miss having a regular social life and being around people who know, understand, and even love the ins and outs of Courtney.  I miss our house and all the colorful rooms, an oven that doesn’t burn food every time it’s used, a microwave that heats in less than 2 minutes, a regular-sized fridge and washing machine, a toilet that doesn’t sound like a jet plane taking off, a shower with normal water pressure, etc.  I miss my dog and his obnoxious- but adorable- need for attention.  I miss seeing the sunshine on a regular basis (where fog, clouds, and rain are in minority) and trees that don’t make it look like Christmastime year-round.  I miss feeling like I belong to an area, knowing how to get from point A to point B without a GPS, and knowing that when I wave at a stranger, they will in fact wave back.  I just miss it.

I think it would be a different story if we were putting down roots in Dallas or Seattle long-term.  I would have made more of an effort to get a job or to truly immerse myself in the culture and area.  Knowing that we were only planning on being in these places for a few months at a time, though, gave me a little sense of what being a TCK (Third Culture Kid- military brat, missionary kid, any child raised in a culture that is different from their own or that of their parents’) felt like.  I distanced myself unintentionally, because I knew it wasn’t a permanent placement.  (My counseling professor would have said I am being self-protective.  And I am.)

While the experiences and lessons are great, it’s honestly been a little lonely.  And while I don’t want to wish these months away, because I know they also hold invaluable lessons, I still can’t wait to see March.  We are only here for another 10 weeks.  I want to make sure that I don’t squander this opportunity, because I’m lonely or out-of-place.  It’s probably going to be a challenge, because who likes that feeling?  And there are probably going to be more cases of self-protection, but it’s doable.  Because I have experienced the fun parts and hard parts of moving, it will make pulling onto I-26 that much more delightful.  So, March, I’m waiting for ya!