Sleepless in Seattle

Merrrr….(that’s my primal annoyed noise).  It’s 4 a.m.  I went to bed at 10:30 p.m.  Sleep eludes me, so pardon if this post is nothing more than an incoherent ramble.

The rain is pounding on the roof creating a rather lovely musical sound and the candles are lit making the whole room glow.  It’s quite a romantic early morning ambiance I must say.

These past few weeks have been filled with difficult conversations with various people.  I am almost upset with myself for feeling discouraged by these various issues, because I just came through the lesson of trusting God a few months ago.  And yet, I’m still unsettled.  None of the problems in and of themselves are detrimental or insurmountable; it’s just that they all flooded in at once.  Part of me just wants to have a really major, ugly cry and another part of me wants to be rational and talk myself through each situation.  In the end, I still wind up in the same place: no closer to a solution.  I am no closer to a solution, because none of these issues are my responsibility.  I simply hold an emotional attachment to the people or situations involved.

Every issue that is bothering me is literally and completely out of my control.  I think this is the part where I am supposed to wait.  Because other than managing my own emotions and making sure that I am in control of myself, there is nothing I can do.

Waiting.  It ain’t easy.  Especially when I know that each decision made within these various circumstances will certainly affect me greatly.  In this moment, I am hurt, confused, and sad.  And it took me 25 years to realize that that is ok.

I will be hurt, wronged, betrayed, and forgotten.  But I will also be loved and enjoyed and anticipated.  In between this ebb and flow of life, I am caught up waiting to see what will happen.  And waiting isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  (That also took 25 years to learn).  For now, I’ll wait.  And when it comes time for me to do something, I will. 

I read something the other day that was so profoundly cheesey and accurate at the same time.  “You can’t see the brightness of stars without the darkness of night.”  Hmm…challenge accepted!